Harry Potter is a Hardcore Black Man from the Streets
by TJEckleburg
Summary: Harry Potter faces impossible odds from rival gangs, the DEA, and the Ku Klux Klan all while barely passing his classes and the Hogwarts Public School System.
1. Started from the Bottom

Harry finished eating the kibbles and other such nonsense from his food bowl. He ran out of water two days ago. All Harry had to occupy his time was a Rubik's cube. Every side was the same color, but that did not lessen the cries of joy from the rest of the children every time he solved it.

"How you do that, bro?" said Skillet, the boy in the cage next to Harry's. Harry simply stared at him, and continued solving the Rubik's cube with his elbows. Skillet stared back for a while. "Ay man, you got any smokes?" Harry continued to stare his vacant stare. Skillet still looked at him earnestly. "How 'bout some weed? I'd do either, ya feel me bro?"

Harry dropped the Rubik's cube and at last responded, "No, I don't feel you. I don't feel anything… except darkness."

"I know you been hiding some weed, homie."

"Life is an empty void of lost hope and forgotten dreams. All your wants and desires are now or eventually will be meaningless."

"Well shiiiiiiiiiit."

They suddenly heard footsteps coming down the stairs. "I thought I told ya'll to keep yo' mouths shut you idiot chilluns'." It was Aunt Jemima. "That inspector gonna be coming 'round soon, so I finna let ya'll outta these cages. Act like we's all justa big happy family till she leaves, or I will whoop you so hard, you will wish you was not physically capable of feeling whoopings of such a caliber."

Harry and company followed Aunt Jemima up the stairs. They sat around watching the Black Entertainment Channel or whatever until they heard a series of loud knocks on the door. Harry looked out the window. He saw that this was not the inspector at all, but a huge black guy who looked like he could be a bouncer for a club in some rich white girl's music video. Aunt Jemima was not aware of this as she approached the door, however. "Oh hello missus inspector ma'am," Jemima said as she opened the door, "as you can see me and my family is all about to eat dinner now and- OH LAWD!" The black guy sucker punched Aunt Jemima and barged into the house.

The children stared at him incredulously. The man wore baggy clothes and a golden pendant of the letters 'HW'. He stepped over Aunt Jemima and approached the group of kids. He cleared his throat and said "Harry, you a wizard homie."


	2. La La La

Just then, Uncle Phil came running down the stairs with a shotgun. "What in the name of God is going on down there?" Then he saw the intruder. Even Uncle Phil, who was a large black man himself, was taken aback by the sheer size of this other black guy. The intruder raised his wand at the same time Uncle Phil fired his shotgun. The children thought that the newcomer would surely die, but he was able to quickly bring the wand up to his face and start rapping. The buckshot stopped in mid-air and fell to the ground. He continued to rap, and Uncle Phil's shotgun was pulled from his hand. The intruder kept rapping violently into his wand, and as he did so, the shotgun floated away from Uncle Phil and turned around so it was pointed back at him. Uncle Phil watched at the intruder held out his wand, and after a moment of silence, dropped it onto the ground. The shotgun fired, blowing Uncle Phil's ribcage out of his body.

"Come on Harry, let's go," the intruder said, as he picked up his wand. Harry stood up from the group of children and followed the man out of the house. As they exited to the outside, Harry heard his Aunt Jemima stand up and grab the fallen shotgun. The man didn't seem to notice or care about this.

"I tolds you I's would kill you if I didn't get no welfare check, Harry Potter!" Aunt Jemima yelled. She came running through the door with the weapon, firing it blindly. The man turned around and rapped a single phrase into his wand. Aunt Jemima began to rapidly inflate. She expanded to the size of globe, if a globe was actually 8 feet in diameter. She was lifted off the ground and started floating towards the house, all while still inflating. She crashed through the door into the living room. She expanded until she could expand no more, and then exploded into a torrent of blood and organs. The children were all doused entirely in red. They stood there for a while, and then shouted "Oooooooohhhhhhhh!" excitedly.

The man opened the door to his Hummer limousine. "My name is Hagrid, by the way," he started, but saw that Harry was busy solving his Rubik's cube.


	3. Hood Gone Love It

"So I guess you're wondering how I found yo' ass," Hagrid implored. Harry did not give this question any of his attention however, since he almost had solved his Rubik's cube. "What is with you and that thing?"

"It is the only thing that quells the darkness in my soul…" muttered Harry, only half paying attention. Hagrid looked flustered. He grabbed the cube from Harry's hands and threw it out the window of the Hummer limousine.

"You gotta start actin' like a nigga, ya feel me nigga?"

"No, I don't feel you, all I feel is-"

"Shut yo' goddamn mouth. We're here. Follow my lead."

The ghetto-ass limo grinded to a halt. It drove away as soon as they exited its interior. Harry analyzed his surroundings. "Man we deep in the hood now, aren't we?" he asked.

"Damn right. Like I said, you a wizard, homie. And that means I have to take you to place full of yo' kind. Only two of such places exist, one is a racist private school in England, so we can't go there. The other is the Hogwarts Public System out in Harlem. That's where we's headed. But first, we needs to get some school supplies."

"What kind of supplies will we need?" Harry asked.

"Man, all you need is some Jordans. Ain't nobody gonna need textbooks where we headed."

They turned into an alleyway. It was an extremely unsightly alley, rats and garbage was everywhere. There was a random stack of tires just lying there, as if it were some kind of magnificent Greek sculpture. Inside, they met a shady individual. "You and that boy there lookin' to buy some weed?" he asked.

"No," Hagrid responded "just some shoes."

"Well shiiiiiiit. I got some real nice one's for ya. And cheap as a bitch too." Hagrid paid the man $3.50 and gave Harry his new pair of Jordans.

"How did we get those so cheap?" asked Harry.

"We's in Diagon Alley, everything here was stolen."


	4. So Many Tears

"Well what the fuck!" Hagrid shouted as he saw that his Hummer limousine had been stripped for parts. Nothing but the car's skeleton remained, which was suspended on 4 concrete blocks.

"I thought that thing drove away," Harry examined. Hagrid looked at him confusedly for a couple seconds, and then horrified realization swept across his face.

"Oh hell no, Norbert!" Hagrid ran up to the side of car. Inside the driver's window he saw his pet dragon, with 12 caps popped directly in its ass. "'Twas the best getaway driver I ever had." He sat down and cried. Harry stood there silently. Just being in the hood was transforming him into a cold, hard motherfucker. All he could think about was which store he was going to have to rob in order to get a new Rubik's cube.

Harry was getting annoyed by Hagrid's crying, he decided to ask him something, anything, to make him stop. "Hey, ah, Hagrid, tell me about this school we goin' to."

Hagrid wiped some tears from his eyes and stood up. "Well just look at yourself and your skin and all that. You have what they call 'black magic'. Like me. Like your father."

Harry stepped closer to him and looked him straight in the eyes. "What do you know about my father?" Hagrid glanced away nervously, but as he did so, he noticed several shadowy figures standing behind Harry.

"Yo man, this is Death Eaters turf. Buy some crack or get the fuck out. Else we'll 187 you, just like we did to that sweet, sweet car of yours."

Hagrid's face went from nervous to enraged. "You killed my Norbert!" he hollered. The one who spoke before, whose neck tattoo identified him as 'Draco' looked amused. Hagrid drew a giant bowie knife from the lining of his shorts and charged the gang. Draco smirked. He and his gang drew their Tec 9s, the most gangster weapon ever made, and blew the giant black man straight to hell.

Draco stepped over Hagrid's corpse and looked at Harry. "Now what are we going to do with you?"

But Harry was too busy not giving a fuck to hear him.


	5. Here I Am

Draco held his gun up to Harry's face. "It's a shame a fine young negro such as yourself has to die this way." Two of the other gangsters, whose backwards baseball caps identified as 'Crabbe' and 'Goyle', searched Hagrid's body. Harry stared Draco coldly in the eyes, ready for the inevitable. Draco couldn't help but grin at this determined look, knowing that he will soon get to blow it away. "Wait," Draco blurted, the grin quickly fading from his face, "take your shoes off first. I don't want to get blood on those fine-ass Jordans." Harry handed them over. Draco laughed and pressed down on the gun's trigger.

"Hey yo Draco, I found this nigga's wallet!" Goyle interjected.

Draco's smile faded from him yet again. "For fuck's sake Goyle, can't you see I'm trying to ice a bitch here?"

"Ah man I'm sorry. I was just thinking that maybe we could pay rent this month or something- oh shit. Draco, you got to see this, bro."

"Are you for fucking real right now?" Draco said while lowering the submachine gun from Harry's face.

Crabbe stood up over Hagrid's body. "This shit is legit. Get over here, brotha." Draco walked over to Crabbe and Goyle. They handed him Hagrid's wand, pendant, and also some strange purple document, emblazoned with the same gold 'HW'.

"These niggas were wizards all along," Goyle muttered.

"Well ain't this some shit," Draco replied. He walked back over to Harry. "Things just changed, homie. You with us now."

"That's great," replied Harry, sounding somewhat indifferent, "now give me back my motherfucking Jordans, nigga."


	6. Ayo for Yayo

Harry and Draco, along with Crabbe, Goyle, and the rest of the gang walked their way through the streets of Compton. What few white people there were in the city were overcome with fear at the sight of such a menacing group of African Americans. It wasn't simply nervousness, not the typical feeling a white person gets when a car playing loud rap music pulls up next to theirs at a stop light and suddenly they are reminded to check if their doors are locked, combined with the overwhelming need to stare intensely at the traffic light, and nothing else, only glancing at the car beside them in small intervals. No, this wasn't that kind of fear. It was the fear of death itself. Draco's gang stared down any white person they came across, sometimes yelling things like "Hey you in the wrong part of town, bitch" and other such provocation. Most of the time, these words were combined with one or two of the gang members lifting up their shirts to expose their gleaming Tec-9's, loaded and ready blast apart any cracker that stepped into the paths of their barrels.

Harry never once met a white person before, so he didn't know what to make of them. The old Harry would have pondered the idea of meeting these kinds of exotic peoples, perhaps even asking in which ways their lives differed from his own. But Harry was a hardcore black man from the streets now, and he had other issues to deal with. Namely, how he was going to exterminate the dumb motherfuckers he was accompanied with.

Finally, they arrived at some crack den at some street corner somewhere. Draco put his arm around Harry. "Ah, we're home. We call this place Malfoy Manor. We'll show you to your room." They walked into the building, if it could even be called such a thing. Harry wondered how a run-down hell hole like this one could still be standing. The supports beams were held together with duct tape, each and every window was boarded up, and the entire place smelled distinctly like crack and rat civilizations. Draco reached into his pocket and pulled out the card that was found on Hagrid. He cleared his throat. "It says here, that you, Harry Potter, are in fact a wizard."

"I don't know nothing about that shit," Harry replied.

Draco looked confused. "What do you mean, exactly?"

"I mean that I don't know _nothing_ about that shit. You wasted the one guy who could explain any of that to-" Harry became distracted by movements he saw in the corner of the room. He saw tiny little motions in the shadows, almost as if to beckon him.

"Well shit," said Draco. He grinned. "Hey, we'll figure something out. In the meantime, help yourself to some crack, my friend." Harry wasn't listening, he instead looked into the shadows, and found that there was indeed something waving at him. He had to find out what it was immediately.

"Hey, uh, can a nigga use the bathroom 'round here?" He asked Draco.

"Yeah, sure thing, it's right over there." He pointed at a door, somewhere past Harry.

"Thanks," Harry said, and walked in the complete opposite direction, towards the strange shadow. When he walked into the darkness, he was quickly greeted by a short pointy-eared elf like thing. "What the fuck are you?" Harry asked in disgust.

"Massah, they call me Dobby the Crack Elf. I needs to speak with you, Harry Potter. I needs to real bad."

"Well then speak, you disgusting goddamn elf."

"That's racist, massah. You should know better."

Harry looked down at his arms. "How can I, of all people, be racist?"

"Never mind any of that. I needs to speak with you. Draco finna kill you, massah."

"Not if I cut his head off. But I was hoping that would be a surprise. Why does he want to kill me?"

"He was always talking 'bout how he needs recruit some wizards into his gang. If you ain't a wizard, you just a waste of his time."

Harry was confused. "So what? He isn't a wizard, none of them are, what's one more thug in this dumbass gang?"

"Because of that letter. You are going supposed to go learn how to magic. But now Draco, has it, and he can just pretend to be you. You aren't needed anymore."

"He doesn't even look like me."

"Let's be real here, massah." Harry looked over at Draco, who was smoking from a bowl of crack. Harry decided to test the crack elf's theory, and walked up beside Draco.

"I need that letter back," Harry asserted.

"What? Oh no, I'll just hold on to that."

"Nah, I think I need it back now."

"Nigga, you don't even have any pockets, I'll hold on to it." He smiled, and smoked more from his bowl.

Harry grabbed him by the collar of his white tank top. "I want my fucking letter."

Draco's smile faded. "I save you from certain death, let you into my home, and offer you crack, and yet you treat me like this? Nigga, fuck you." He roared and throw his crack bowl at Harry. Harry ducked just in time, and the bowl went flying past the top of his head. Behind him, Dobby the Crack Elf managed to catch the bowl, but was knocked back violently by the force of the throw.

Dobby stood up weakly. "Massah offers Dobby crack, now he is free."

Draco began to seethe. "And on top of all this, you cost me my crack elf." He pulled out his Tec-9 and aimed it at Harry's head. Harry stepped back and looked around, and saw that the rest of Draco's gang had done the same.


End file.
